Sunday, September 6, 2009

The Road Ahead

Sorry to neglect you all, yet again. I've spent the past couple of weeks mostly freaking out and partly in contemplation. You see, I've put all my energy into convincing myself I knew what I was doing. I didn't (read: quarter-life crisis: 1, Jos: 0). I've been madly (ok, half-heartedly) studying for the GRE and looking at Ph.d programs and the more I did, the more I realized I was in way over my head. Truth is, I still have work ahead of me (i.e more research experience, finding out what I really want, and actually studying for the GRE general and subject). All of these factors lead to the obvious call: wait another year. Sure my mentor had already told me this, but I guess...I don't know. I guess I was wishing this part of my life would look something like this:

You know, diving right into my future, knowing exactly what I want. Fearless, gutless, take charge woman.

Or Maybe something like this:

Taking flight, moving into the next chapter of my life.

Instead, I've come to realize that the greatest gift I can give myself is time. And maybe my life, for now, can look something like this:

I snapped that picture while on safari in Kruger National Park two years ago.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I have a road ahead of me and rushing into something isn't going to make my life any easier. Given that I usually like to follow a set of steps in my life that I at some point decided would be the end all be all, it's really scary that I'm instead choosing to be stuck in the in-between. And you know what? There's something fearless, gutless, and take charge about that, too (Quarterlife Crisis: 1, Jos: 1).

Given that, it doesn't mean that these next two years won't be full of anxieties, frustrations, and maybe some regret. I mean let's face it, yesterday I realized I'm kinda dating my mother. Yes, my mother. We do everything together these days (mostly due to the fact that all my friends have moved away and its hard to make new friends when you're working in a locked psychiatric facility part-time and the other half you're home, carless). Part of the appeal of applying to grad school was that it wasn't home. But there's something about the fact that I now don't have the safety blanket of "this is only temporary" that puts me in the drivers seat of my story. This is all very terrifying (Jos: 1, Quarterlife Crisis: 2?). And it's all a lot to think about. So, per usual, I did something to get my mind off of it. Today, I went all out and cooked a recipe I saw on real simple of Grilled Bread with Zucchini, Ricotta, and Basil. I added some garlic to the bread before grilling it and skipped on the black pepper (not my fave), and accompanied it with a nice rose. For dessert, I had a couple of dried figs. It was delicious.

Maybe I'll have a couple of things figured out tomorrow. Or hey, maybe I won't. ;)

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